Anxiety and Me

Last night I realised Ive been a little lost……

I watched a video back of myself and whilst I recognised the person on the phone she seemed different….

Care free, happy….

Due to trauma……For the past three months I have lived in a world of confusion and anxiety. Often not remembering things or making a small easily fixed issue a bigger issue in my mind that consumes my thoughts. Keeping me up at night and rendering me exhausted. I often thought I was thinking rationally until I took a moment to see I was in fact being irrational.

Everything is soo serious now, I am so serious, I don’t smile often, I used to walk with force and have a bubbly presence about me, but now that seems to be on vacation.

A work colleague who I happen to really take a liken-to said to me last week…. “When I walk past your office and I see you, you look unhappy” the week before that, a friend said my face is “soo miserable”. Not intended to cause offence but just an observation.

I wish I had the honest words to explain my new face, my new feelings…. Subconsciously I’ve taught myself to go natural, making less of an effort on myself, trying to tell myself that this is me. The real me…… and the long hair, makeup and eyelashes is not me……

I’ve been trying to see my own natural beauty, my true self, along with trying to understand my own thoughts and feelings and I realised there are different versions of me and every version wants to be dominant. Every part wants centre stage. Obviously this is called for as one must act appropriate to the situation they are handling. I just think I’m soo sensitive naturally that upon observation and soul searching, I’ve realised, it’s used more as a safety mechanism and whatever version I have presented myself to be to you is because I’m anxious to let all of me be seen, Judged or mocked…..

The Mother

The Business woman

The NHS Worker

The Goddess

The Inner Child

The Plain Jane

Now I don’t have a personality disorder what so ever, but I do have somewhat of an identity crisis happening here where my anxiety has ensured I have to pick a version on a day to keep me safe. Although we all act and alter to our most appropriate side to suit the environment, mine is always premeditated not-to-mention merely intended to keep me safe.

Who and how should I be and behave….. Does the situation call for me to be the mother and business woman? Should I be the Inner child and Plain Jane equally?

It all sounds confusing and awfully exhausting but it is the reality.

-L x

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Elizabeth says:

    I love that you photographed each of your many personas. I especially enjoyed the relaxed sense of the mother and the bus rider. It looks like the NHS person is not healthy for you.

    Like

  2. Thanks Elizabeth, as time progresses the hope is that I can find a happier balance in life. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes we have a lot of hats to wear! Wear them all, but the inner child is the one you really don’t want to lose.

    Like

  4. That goddess though 🖤 I love each of your different personalities and I too can relate. I think we all have to put on a different mask in different environments. But as time goes on I’m sure you’ll learn how to be whichever makes you most happy or simply just be.

    Like

  5. fitinspouk says:

    Good for you!! I deal with anxiety every day and as a man it is labelled to be weak. I recently started a blog to be able to let other men know that they can open up about their problems and not feel ashamed! Wishing you all the best ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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