Last night I realised Ive been a little lost……
I watched a video back of myself and whilst I recognised the person on the phone she seemed different….
Care free, happy….
Due to trauma……For the past three months I have lived in a world of confusion and anxiety. Often not remembering things or making a small easily fixed issue a bigger issue in my mind that consumes my thoughts. Keeping me up at night and rendering me exhausted. I often thought I was thinking rationally until I took a moment to see I was in fact being irrational.
Everything is soo serious now, I am so serious, I don’t smile often, I used to walk with force and have a bubbly presence about me, but now that seems to be on vacation.
A work colleague who I happen to really take a liken-to said to me last week…. “When I walk past your office and I see you, you look unhappy” the week before that, a friend said my face is “soo miserable”. Not intended to cause offence but just an observation.
I wish I had the honest words to explain my new face, my new feelings…. Subconsciously I’ve taught myself to go natural, making less of an effort on myself, trying to tell myself that this is me. The real me…… and the long hair, makeup and eyelashes is not me……
I’ve been trying to see my own natural beauty, my true self, along with trying to understand my own thoughts and feelings and I realised there are different versions of me and every version wants to be dominant. Every part wants centre stage. Obviously this is called for as one must act appropriate to the situation they are handling. I just think I’m soo sensitive naturally that upon observation and soul searching, I’ve realised, it’s used more as a safety mechanism and whatever version I have presented myself to be to you is because I’m anxious to let all of me be seen, Judged or mocked…..
The Business woman
The NHS Worker
The Inner Child
The Plain Jane
Now I don’t have a personality disorder what so ever, but I do have somewhat of an identity crisis happening here where my anxiety has ensured I have to pick a version on a day to keep me safe. Although we all act and alter to our most appropriate side to suit the environment, mine is always premeditated not-to-mention merely intended to keep me safe.
Who and how should I be and behave….. Does the situation call for me to be the mother and business woman? Should I be the Inner child and Plain Jane equally?
It all sounds confusing and awfully exhausting but it is the reality.
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