Do you know the kinda mum I was? I was that mum that posted angry posts on Facebook every Father’s Day wishing “myself” a happy Father’s Day. For some reason this meant everything to me, to declare the fact I was both mum and dad. The breadwinner, provider and parents…..Looking back on it now I suppose I thought this somehow earned me badges. That official. “I’m a single mum that has sh*t covered” badge.
Apart from the ex I’d pretty much single handedly brought up my daughter and I felt this huge sense of achievement. But, you know what I never admitted……
“Every Father’s Day, I was angry and held resentment……”
It wasn’t fair! My daughter never had her dad around to spoil and it was just me, trying to be a father and a mother…
I realised I had a deep rooted dislike for my daughters dad, I think I’d go as far as saying I borderline hated the guy for leaving me to raise her alone at 17, and then leaving the country for years with no contact. I was a kid and I had a kid and my life was complicated whilst his was ‘child-free’.
As the years went by he tried with random contact and that did nothing but irritate my mental state and question his existence. Why the fuck do I have to be both parents, being one is hard enough.
Father’s Day just passed and in almost 12 years of my daughters existence she spent her first Father’s Day with her dad and I tell you what…. Letting go was one of the hardest things I’ve faced in all my years of being a mother. He’s by no means a stranger but I often sat pondering on whether he deserved the right to such a blessed opportunity. He failed at being a father so did he deserve to be celebrated that day?
Well truth be told I had to dig deep, deep deep into the depths of my sometimes cold and stubborn heart, to open up to the fact it’s not about ME, and my feelings really are irrelevant. My daughter is craving for her father’s love and attention whether I believe he deserves it or not so I might as well just stop fighting it……
All I’m saying was Father’s Day got real dark real quick. Anxiety had me house bound waiting by the phone and checking Shamaya’s ‘last seen’ status on Whatsapp. I was in edge the whole time. I waited and waited until I got the call to say she was on her way home. A couple hours she stepped through the door with the biggest smile on her face and that’s when I realised….. It’s really time to let go…….