My Untold story of Postnatal Depression

It’s funny, but at the time I don’t think I realised I was even depressed, I was certainly “something” but depression probably wasn’t what I would of called it.

I watched the movie Tully yesterday and I’ll be honest, memories that I buried deep started to re-surface. Memories of my old home, my past relationship and my unhappiness. In a nutshell Tully starts out with Marlo, a heavily pregnant mum of two, an older daughter and a “quirky” son who seems to have some form of sensory processing disorder amongst some other difficulties. She wasn’t a single mother but the husband rarely done anything and was completely unaware of his wife’s struggles. Long story short he believes his wife has a night nanny but in actual fact she was suffering from some sort of Severe Postnatal Depression/psychosis to help herself cope. Eventually she drives off a bridge and then we work out that Tully is a figment of her imagination.

image from google.com 

The reason this story resonated with me so deeply was because I was Marlo. There are no words that can express how dark and stagnant my days felt back then. I was a single mother in a relationship, struggling with a “quirky” child and older daughter who lacked my attention and a newborn. A partner that was a serial cheater and talked to me like crap and to be honest I completely lost it.

“It’s as if I was there in the world alone, 3 kids deep… each day as dark and as unforgiving as the next……Each day I wondered if I should even be here”

This Depression wasn’t like the severe depression I experienced in my teens, it was more like a silent, invisible dark cloud. One easily masked from friends and family, I suppose it was hard to understand myself because it didn’t follow the pattern of wanting to harm myself or losing the will to live.

This time round, I wanted desperately to live, I wanted to see my children grow. I just didn’t feel I was the right person for the job! I mean it was a tough f*cking job.

Having quirky Amzah, who suffered so much with his difficulties (which I struggled so much to cope with) to having Mini Muffin who within the 1st year of his life had 2 surgeries to open his airway. Plus an toxic relationship, an older daughter who became a young carer to support her mother with her siblings, an older daughter who became a 2nd parent in my household.

It’s not that I woke up every day feeling like I wanted to die… I woke up everyday feeling hopeless, like a never ending nightmare….

I was already suffering from low mood borderline depression before I even had Amzah so by the time I had Mini Muffin, I was screwed!

I’ll never forget the day I reclaimed my life back. Truth be told, I ended things with the boys dad. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore, it was over and I had to do something drastic…..

Fast forward 2 years now, I’m better, so much better, I found love again and then lost it…. but my children have an engaged mum. I’m not a zombie anymore, I am not hopeless. I fought demons and darkness!

Throughout that whole time I couldn’t see the silver lining and it’s a surprise how resilient I thought I was without identifying that I was suffering from Postnatal Depression. I said to myself and my GP, I’m ok, I’m coping, I know what depression looks and feels like….I’m not there. Yet. When in actual fact I was there. It just had a different face and different behavioural pattern because this time I wasn’t 16 self harming with nothing to live for.

This time I was a mother with everything to live for……..

  • https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-natal-depression/symptoms/
  • Speak to your GP or health visitor if you think you may have developed an anxiety disorder or OCD.
  • Contact your GP immediately if you think that you or someone you know may have postpartum psychosis, as it’s a medical emergency. If this isn’t possible, call NHS 111 or your local out-of-hours service.
  • If you think there’s a danger of immediate harm, call 999 and ask for an ambulance.

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Mrs Robinson says:

    I related so much with this, I’m currently in the process of recovering from pretty severe postnatal depression and anxiety. I kept saying I’d know if I was unwell because I was comparing it to my usual anxiety disorder that I’ve had all my life. As you said, it comes with a different face. Thanks for sharing your story, it helps to be reminded that it’s going to get better.

    Like

    1. Honestly it really does get better and I’m in such a different place now compared to where I was before. It was a process though, this change hasn’t happened overnight but gradually, as I started to weed out the things that were my biggest triggers, things started to get better. I also put myself into psychotherapy which was probably one of the best things I done as i was freely able to discuss my issues (all issues) and work through them xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow I have not read anyone’s post in months or more. For some reason this popped up and I had to read it.

    Now I sit here at my desk at work in tears. Everything you described to a T I have felt and went through. It don’t feel like depression at all. I remember thinking it just felt like doom and gloom no matter how hard I tried. Nothing went right.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh- I know it can be soo tough and I think it’s only through looking back that we realise how lost we were. Us mums are so resilient we just get on with things. X

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Truthful sharing from your heart. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Falandis says:

    Remarkably Stated 💯❌💯. So many mothers I’m sure can relate. Breathtaking ♥

    Like

  5. Thank you for sharing!! This is beautiful! 🙏🏻🙏🏻

    Like

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