The past few days I’ve been on somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. Long story short- I met a man…
Yep, Mommyrosebuds actually met another human that’s not her kids 😱. Truth be told I’ve been dating for quite a while now, meeting people, engaging in conversations. But, to be honest, I gained no emotional connections to anyone until I met “D”. It’s a weird one because I don’t even blog about my dates and here I am with a whole post. Discussing one dude!
Anyway- let me get to the point…. “D” made me feel uncomfortable, I suppose this could be down to the fact that he was literally seeing past all the bullshit to work out who I was underneath. As women we naturally analyse a man to see if he’s suitable for us, but this dude analysed and psychoanalysed me to ensure I was suitable for him! Oh how the roles had changed. And weirdly, for some unknown reason I obliged, I allowed him to nick pick, offering advice like a qualified self-help Guru. As time went on though I realised I was beginning to resist…It was no longer becoming cute and caring, it was becoming irritating and for the life of me I couldn’t work out why….
I discussed it with my closest girlfriends who said:
Girl, this is the type of man you’ve always wanted….what’s the problem?”
I very quickly began to analyse myself and my resistance: Why did I start to withdraw….
I’ll tell you why….
For the first time I encountered a Real Man a real thought-provoking, give a damn about your soul and life purpose kinda man and it was nothing I was ever used to. In all my relationships I’d always been the one with a game plan the leader, the one in control…A motivational speech for my lover… a thought provoking line to drop the mic to… and here’s this dude essentially taking my role and telling me what to do,(taking my control away) guiding me, evaluating decisions I made in my past and forcing me to re-evaluate them….I mean… who the hell did he think he was……. ME?
That leads me to my second point…. The reality is… He is me... Just like me…. So much like me it pissed me off… Strong, assertive, spiritual, has plans and clear direction along with a sense of class and heir that you can’t fake. So here I am, faced with the male version of myself and not a clue how I would function in a lasting relationship with him..
Truth is… Deep down I know I would be cherished and loved unconditionally… Each moment would be an adventure, a moment to make life great, a chance to experience euphoric life with no boundaries.
So why did I resist?:
“Because for the first time In my life I felt fear……. real fear.”
I realised that soul mates are not a fairytale and the thought that someone out there is the other half of me, understanding the innermost sacred parts of my being.. Forgiving my flaws a leading me to my Devine purpose!? Well…. to meet is to be given grace and favour but to experience the loss of that person was the eternal pain I realised I was too afraid to face…..
I suppose the question I’m now posed with is: Will I live in eternal pain without ever knowing what could have been? ……