Now, I’ve been avoiding talking about this for a long time, mainly because I honestly felt I wasn’t strong enough to make this declaration. But you know what, I’m doing it.
Guys! I’m celibate, I’m not perfect and my gosh it’s hard but I’m trying. I’ll be honest, after another failed relationship I felt it was time I really started to appreciate my worth, now what a better way to do it then not having sex.
Now this is just my opinion and really revolves around my own experience but I feel that in my case: If you have had more of a troublesome past or in a case where choices have been taken from you, you use sex a tool, a form of power. You end up with more sexual partners, and what once felt good and feels like your in control, starts to spiral out of control and I personally end up broken hearted and depressed.
I had to do a lot of self-reflection about what was causing these relationship failures it’s easier to blame men and trust me my ex’s played major roles. BUT; what did I do to contribute to these failures.
Again, using sex as almost a numbing tool, “As long as someone loves me, I’ll be ok” little did I know or pay much attention to the difference between Lust and Love.
I absolutely loved having a family, someone to come home to, cook with and build memories, but there were underlying issues:
PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Just another diagnosis to add to the pot, It took over 2 years to even watch a wedding show on tv after my failed engagement. I mistakenly walked right into another relationship with all these fears of commitment and needless to say, it failed. I was still carrying far too much baggage from previous encounters and my biggest fears became my reality.
It was a process, I changed my number, tried to find myself and did something even I would say was drastic.
I went on Tinder, (read my Tinder date gone wrong 😂) i used it more as a tool, I was never use to having people in my life for a season and struggled when they left. So I made it my business to date, make that decision whether someone was worth my time and energy and who would be able to remain interested in me without SEX.
Result: Not one!
Back to celibacy, So I figured, If no one sees my worth and value then I must concentrate on myself. I must see my worth and not use SEX as a way to entice a man to be with me.
“Relationships don’t have to revolve around sex”
I think self reflection is key to progression and I needed to acknowledge that having sex was restricting me from finding true happiness. So I stopped. Reluctantly…..
I started reading my Bible again and started praying, genuinely praying to help me heal from issues I believed were over but carried a invisible cloud above my head.
Now, I am Christian but me choosing to become celibate was more about me than God. It was actually because it’s something I’ve never tried and by my standards I’ve failed with everything thing else so why not try something different?
“Sexual gratification is no fun (for me) without love”
So for however long it takes I’m going to write my thoughts and feelings about this journey on here until I make it to Marriage.
Wish me Luck!
If anyone here has waited until marriage or attempted waiting after previously being sexually active. What was your experiences and I would love to know…Was it worth the Wait?
With Love x