Hey all,
So! I have a secret to share with all my readers, it’s something I have felt very ashamed to admit but deep down I’m sure there are other mums out there that felt the way I did…
So, here I go…
“In my last pregnancy, I wasn’t attached to my baby, and I felt nothing..nothing but guilt”
It’s true.. Nothing I’m proud of..but it is the truth and I can’t sit here blogging about motherhood if I’m not honest.
Firstly, can I just say, for the first time ever, I didn’t know the gender of my baby; and this made it so hard for me to bond. At every scan I left disappointed with my decision because stupidly I agreed for a surprise when I mentally couldn’t handle it. I needed to know what it was so I could start imagining who it would be and where it would fit in..
Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the idea of having a 3rd child but just couldn’t imagine him with his siblings, I couldn’t imagine having another nappy to change and the last seat filled with a little person in the back of my car. It’s stupid I know, but I just couldn’t imagine it which meant I never got the chance to build a relationship in my mind of me an him. I never got the chance to bond….I never dreamt about him, I never bought anything for him. I acknowledged the pregnancy but not him as an individual.. He was there (in my tummy) I was here (In real life) and I felt so guilty. I felt soo guilty I wrote him a poem because I truly loved and cared for him but it was just harder this time to imagine how our life’s would be intertwined..
Here it goes…
I don’t want to forget this feeling, Sometimes we get so caught up in the discomfort that we forget to cherish the beauty. To bear a child in my stomach. To feel you kick, to feel you squirm, to feel every stretch and every hiccup, I am blessed. You may be my last and I don’t ever want to forget this feeling. I love you, I don’t know you yet but I love you. I have an idea of your character. You are not like the others you are quiet and shy. But I can sense you are strong. Not knowing your gender has not brought me joy but has brought me patience. I must be patient with you I understand this. Nonetheless I never want to forget this blessing and all that I am feeling. Never…..
Because I had to be patient, I just couldn’t bond. I knew I loved him but I struggled to imagine him and cherish the experience. I can honestly say…I had so much emotion and guilt during that pregnancy and I didn’t know how to express it.
Even after finding out his gender at the birth…I was confused and surprised it was another boy but I honestly remember thinking on that operating table.. “That was not worth the wait, and it’s made me no happier finding out now after 9 months of suspense because I wasted a whole pregnancy struggling to bond”
And then I saw him! This strong chunky little boy, he never even cried he just looked at me…..Everything I wrote in the poem was true..He was/is quiet and shy. My “mini muffin” was here and instantly I knew him, and he gets me….from the moment he was conceived he understood my pain, guilt and struggles and that’s probably why he’s been the easiest baby. I couldn’t imagine him fitting into my little life and somehow he’s managed to slip in quietly and perfectly.
Not finding out the gender was a huge mistake for me! I would love to know your experiences or intentions regarding revealing your baby’s gender.
Don’t forget to like, comment and follow for more posts from the Rosebuds
Take care
Leah
Xxx
Beautiful blog and poem! I wanted to know my baby’s gender as soon as possible. So I could prepare and make sure he had everything he needed in the physical world, and so I could-as you said-get to know him prior to birth. I named him early on and talked to him often. He was real and alive and provided me comfort, just knowing he was there.
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Honestly! It’s soo reassuring to know I’m not the only one out there who needed to create a personal relationship with their baby beforehand. It’s definitely not something I would consider again but it did teach me a lot about myself in the process. Xx
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When I was pregnant with my first child the first scan I did told me it was a boy. I wasn’t happy at all because I wanted a girl however with time I started to accept the idea of having a boy. However when my baby was born and they told me it was a girl I was soo happy.
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I wanted a girl the first time round and got one. But when I was pregnant with my son I was terrified! I had no clue what to do with him. I very quickly learnt how to handle him “kinda” lol xx
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😀😊children no matter what are a blessing
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Definitely xx
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Of course when I was a mom, you had to wait to see the baby to know. Everyone said I was carrying a boy. They used all kinds of ways of “knowing.” But I had a girl. I actually liked it better before anyone knew who was coming. I loved the surprises then.
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I think I would have felt exactly the same way if I had no choice or there was never an option. I Don’t think I like suprises very much xx
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