So! I have a secret to share with all my readers, it’s something I have felt very ashamed to admit but deep down I’m sure there are other mums out there that felt the way I did…
So, here I go…
“In my last pregnancy, I wasn’t attached to my baby, and I felt nothing..nothing but guilt”
It’s true.. Nothing I’m proud of..but it is the truth and I can’t sit here blogging about motherhood if I’m not honest.
Firstly, can I just say, for the first time ever, I didn’t know the gender of my baby; and this made it so hard for me to bond. At every scan I left disappointed with my decision because stupidly I agreed for a surprise when I mentally couldn’t handle it. I needed to know what it was so I could start imagining who it would be and where it would fit in..
Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the idea of having a 3rd child but just couldn’t imagine him with his siblings, I couldn’t imagine having another nappy to change and the last seat filled with a little person in the back of my car. It’s stupid I know, but I just couldn’t imagine it which meant I never got the chance to build a relationship in my mind of me an him. I never got the chance to bond….I never dreamt about him, I never bought anything for him. I acknowledged the pregnancy but not him as an individual.. He was there (in my tummy) I was here (In real life) and I felt so guilty. I felt soo guilty I wrote him a poem because I truly loved and cared for him but it was just harder this time to imagine how our life’s would be intertwined..
Here it goes…
I don’t want to forget this feeling, Sometimes we get so caught up in the discomfort that we forget to cherish the beauty. To bear a child in my stomach. To feel you kick, to feel you squirm, to feel every stretch and every hiccup, I am blessed. You may be my last and I don’t ever want to forget this feeling. I love you, I don’t know you yet but I love you. I have an idea of your character. You are not like the others you are quiet and shy. But I can sense you are strong. Not knowing your gender has not brought me joy but has brought me patience. I must be patient with you I understand this. Nonetheless I never want to forget this blessing and all that I am feeling. Never…..
Because I had to be patient, I just couldn’t bond. I knew I loved him but I struggled to imagine him and cherish the experience. I can honestly say…I had so much emotion and guilt during that pregnancy and I didn’t know how to express it.
Even after finding out his gender at the birth…I was confused and surprised it was another boy but I honestly remember thinking on that operating table.. “That was not worth the wait, and it’s made me no happier finding out now after 9 months of suspense because I wasted a whole pregnancy struggling to bond”
And then I saw him! This strong chunky little boy, he never even cried he just looked at me…..Everything I wrote in the poem was true..He was/is quiet and shy. My “mini muffin” was here and instantly I knew him, and he gets me….from the moment he was conceived he understood my pain, guilt and struggles and that’s probably why he’s been the easiest baby. I couldn’t imagine him fitting into my little life and somehow he’s managed to slip in quietly and perfectly.
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