If you’ve read my post I’m Exhausted and it’s making me ill you’ll be aware of my current health issues where I’ve been suffering with high blood pressure. As as per request of the GP I had to do a 24 hour blood pressure test to gain a better picture of what’s happening.
Well it just so happened that, that day wound up being a normal stressful day at work and at home and my blood pressure was high throughout my waking hours. That evening though had a little extra spice added though, as mini muffin was sick with a fever which I had been struggling to get down for a day prior.
I think at that moment I was shattered. I’d taken a beating from work and the kids and I just switched off for a moment.
The reality of being a single mother
Gosh I feel like that term has been permanent fixed to sit in front of mother as if to haunt me. But I suppose it is what it is right.
Well on a plus note my blood pressure lowers when I’m asleep which is good.
I shall sleep all day! That way I’ll protect my heart 🤷🏽♀️
Mini Muffin is better now which I’m most grateful for and well we’re back grinding as if nothing ever happened.
Until Next Time
Soul mates and soul ties
Spiritual husband and spiritual wives
Different faces every time but she still recognised his soul behind those eyes.
Each touch magnifies a memory.
Deja vu, yes She feels you
He doesn’t pray the same
This life took its toll
And yet they still cross paths because they weren’t meant to do this part alone.
Living for the season can dim ones light
So she calls upon the moon and the stars to offer some bright.
Silver water from the beauty of the night and cryptic messages and beams of light.
She prays for him as he longs for her
He recognised her eyes first
Then her smile
Then her heart
He questioned the ease and possibility of this truth
He questioned his feelings his heart and his mind
He questioned his world.
How is it so? How did she fall on my lap
How does she know me..How do I know her? Why now?
He’s ready to take a vow
A vow to protect her purity and soul
A vow to protect that everlasting glow
Within the darkness of night she must remain bright to keep the energy a flame
Because he knows her role
He knows her power as it will always remain the same
She will find him whilst he will seek her
He will love her while she will protect him
Because she carries the signature of God upon her heart
Not death, re-birth and multiple heavens could keep them apart.
All rights Reserved
I very rarely talk about my job for the NHS now this is because I try extremely hard not to have my personal life collide with my professional life but I just wanted to touch on what being a Mum and a Manager has been like for the past 9 months.
To gain a Managerial position in the NHS is pretty tough and especially as a single mamma I’ve not had the easiest transition. There’s been so much to learn in a short space of time. For the most part I actually love my job and love my team. I’ve been blessed to work with an enthusiastic bunch of colleagues who are open to change and developing our service.
I don’t often say this but there is literally something special about each member of my staff and I can literally see this spark in each of them.
I also enjoy the different personalities, it’s been interesting watching myself adapt to each person. For the most part I think I’ve taken the approach of being fair and approachable not to say I’m trying to be everyone’s best friend but I certainly don’t want to be the manager that everyone hates and avoids.
From many different jobs I’ve experienced good Managers and bad Managers and I literally treat all staff the way I would want to be treated. I am very mindful that to many working mums (like myself), their job is their only break from parenting and i feel it should be an enjoyable experience.
I literally go above and beyond to try and keep my team happy. I’m not even sure they know how much I value them, nor am I about to get soppy and have a team meeting to tell them but so far I’ve been lucky.
Being a mum and a Manager I do find more challenging. I’m exhausted all the time because when I get home there’s still work to do. It’s tough and the kids don’t complain (although sometimes I wish they would). I would say it’s taken about 6 months to finally feel like I understand what is expected of me and I reckon in total a year to feel comfortable as a manager and settled as a mum. Each week I’m getting better. My kids are engaging with me more ❤️
What’s your thoughts on Managers or being a Manager? Any Tips??
Your a woman now
Grown in every way
Loving yourself from your hair follicles to your toenails
You made it, your content
Life is funny, you believe it will go one way only to surprise you with another
Things that once never made sense
Well…they make sense
Your heart….it use to be painful, each beat lagged with sorrow.
Now your free,
Now you breathe air
You breathe more life then ever before
Your a woman now.
A real woman now
All rights reserved
I remember the moment I decided to start a blog, I was laying down in bed breastfeeding Mini Muffin and feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness. Here I lay with this beautiful little boy but all these emotions running through.
So I started my blog to jot all my feelings down, and to be honest it was my own form of therapy, my own way to express my feelings and make sense of my life. I’d always been writing from as long as I can remember and thought of myself as a bit of a poet….I had tons of material just sitting there so I’m thought I’d start with that. Post some old personal things that obviously no one would read right? Wrong!!!
So my blog picked up pretty quickly and the views came rolling in…..but never did I expect my post to be read by anyone I had written about, especially as this was what I considered my therapy and by posting it I felt like I was letting it go.
So, anyway, I get contacted years later about a post I had put up. I’m not gonna lie, that shook me to the core. My level of irritation was so high and honestly it gave me a major knock. I mean imagine you try to express yourself, you try to make sense of something bad that has happened to you and even though it was written quite some time ago, you finally find the confidence to post it and then the individual who caused you that pain contacts you back and in a nutshell says: “Hey, Hey…….I didn’t like what you wrote!, let me remind you of how it went down” I mean it went as far as me having trolls on my blog, and apparently I was crazy and butt-hurt. (Shout out to my loyal followers who hit back! May require your services again 😏🤦🏽♀️)
Now, the crazy part……absolutely! We all know I’m cray cray. 😂😂😂
But the butt-hurt part…..Well no! This was me letting it go……..not me going out of my way to be contacted by the individual. I mean heck, I was actually kinda embarrassed. The thing with writing is it’s always open to interpretation and the writer has the power to either tell all, tell parts, talk coded or magnify the story.
The worst part was…..because I write from experience I don’t magnify a thing. I write exactly what I feel at the time and I allow the emotions to flow onto the page. Which means if I post an old piece it may not reflect my emotions right this second but will give insight to feelings I once felt.
It’s funny how something so deeply personal is ok to read by hundreds and thousands of people online but when the individual you are writing about reads it……well the world just crumbled. The day just got dark!
I wish I could say it’s the only time I’ve caused offence, I mean seriously the things that seem to cause an issue are interpreted so badly that half the time that I myself am left dumbfounded and confused. Like how does 2+2 equal 245 please?
So that gives a little insight into my lack of blogging over the past couple years. Let’s call it Bloggers Anxiety. 😭
Sometimes I wish I could turn the clock back to the days when I enjoyed writing, I wrote for myself and didn’t care who read it. But now I’m faced with this weird anxiety of blogging and being faced with trolling comments. I suppose it’s the internet and maybe that comes with the territory of blogging.
I dunno- maybe I’m not cut out for the internet life?
Hopefully, I’ll find the strength to post like I use to. I quite liked the anxiety free writer I was.
Until Next Time
Retrospect 8th December
This day is the definition of who I am, this day is where it all began
My achievements are because of today. The way my heart beats is because of today. My survival is because of today. The love I have Is because of today.
I woke up feeling anxious this morning- anxious because that was the feeling I felt 11 years ago. The secret I never told. The fear I pretended I never had.
Today I became a mother. Your were born into the world with prayer. We all prayed as you were entering this world. The most sacred of births. I was young and didn’t know what I was doing. I never prayed for you like that again. But I will today.
Today is different, it marks a new cycle, I don’t see the baby or the child I grew, I see a young lady. Beautiful, taller than me, amazing and genuine. You are growing and I am blessed.
You and I were paired to do this thing called life together. You joined my life before adulthood and became the driving force of destiny.
I know it’s your day, but it’s also my day, my day to remember that God took favour upon me and blessed me in my darkest days. My day to remember that you are a product of love and passion. My day to remember that you are my saviour.
Today Shamaya, it is your birthday, you are 11. This day is our day to celebrate you, to enjoy this day to the fullest. To remember this day when your older. To remember my undying, unconditional love for you.
You are my world
Happy 11th Birthday ❤️🌹
Today is not the day to mess with me! I fear my constitution is not strong enough 😭 I have a management course to complete today.
I was meant to finish it months ago but least to say this was out of my control and If it had gone the way it was meant to than my insides wouldn’t be ready to fall out my ass!
Anyway in about 5mins this lecturer (who happens to be lovely) is about to make me introduce myself to the whole room who already met yesterday.
FFS I’m the new kid!
Kill me now!
Now truth is I feel a uncomfortable , I read a post about helping others in need and it got me thinking about an encounter I had not too long ago……..
As it happens, I was approached by a woman, average dressed, fairly casual and clean. She approached me as I was stepping into the salon to get my eyebrows done.
I happened to be in Clapham, London, now Clapham is a affluent area filled with professionals but casual enough that all social classes could walk through unnoticed. Id actually lived there for a few years after having my daughter and must admit it’s my dream home location.
Anyway I’m drifting, back to the point. So this woman approached me and explained her benefits (social security) haven’t been paid… she has 5 kids and no food in her house. She asked if I could spare her some cash to buy food. Now I was in a rush so she said she’d wait until I came out from the salon and she did wait. At this point she’s already tugged at my heart strings so I have it all planned out …..
“I’m going to take her to Sainsbury’s and buy her some food”
Now let’s remember, I am a single mother myself of 3 kids. I work 3 jobs and still fall in that percentage of being worse off financially then if I were to stay home on benefits. But the difference is, if there is anyone who knows how to make money stretch its me! So out of my shopping budget I wanted to buy her family some staple foods. Tuna, bread, milk, sardines, rice few packs of chicken. Enough to make 2 dinners at least.
Well anyway, I leave the salon and tell her of my plans and all of a sudden I see this disappointed look on her face…. She says she can’t carry the shopping and has travelled from very far. She now claims she’s is heavily pregnant with baby number 6 and unable to carry a pack of chicken home…. So I then offer to send her a delivery from Asda of a few bits which she replies ”No her kids are fussy eaters”
She says if I could just give her the money then she can buy bits closer to home, and that she’s not lying or dishonest but would prefer the cash. Again I offered to buy her some chicken at least for todays meal and she replied,
“What is a pack of chicken going to do for me and my kids”
Now, being transparent, In the past I’ve had times where I have struggled to put gas on to stay warm through the winter. I’ve taken cabbage and meats from my mums fridge to feed my kids because money was soo tight. I’m yet to ever need to go to a food bank but to be honest that’s because I hadn’t known where they were during my hardest times. There’s a large percentage of struggling working families living below the poverty line. And this woman says “what is a pack of chicken going to do for me and my kids?!”
Well Lady! It’s going to do a lot more than you standing on the street begging right now! It’s a start! Its a meal right? Well then she says, chicken with what to go with it?
Well lady, I’m no gourmet chef, how about rice or pasta…. I’ll buy you that too…
She refused the offer and says she can’t carry that home. (She didn’t appear pregnant and might I add, she was able bodied”
And at that moment something changed in my heart, it was almost like a cold sadness, because I hear her story but then it dawned on me, yes she must be having a hard time.. .. But I’m just not in the position to hand my money (food from my own kids mouth) to feed hers if she’s unable to see the value in the help I am offering.
It upset me because my gut instinct told me she was being dishonest, I wanted to help her, I truly did but deep down I knew it was best I walked away. And I did, I left her on the side of the street.
It’s been over a few weeks now and it’s still bugging me.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve struggled before and walked away?…..
Maybe it’s the fact she claimed to be desperate but refused my help?…..
Maybe it’s the fact that I saw similarities in our stories?
I don’t know…. It just bugged me…
So, I’m on the train home after yet another date. I think I might just start documenting my dating here for a while.. “Bare with me I’m currently deep in my thoughts as I write this”
He kissed me and jumped on the escalator!!!!!
I’m jumping ahead but bare with me my minds all over the place. Now i never usually get anxious when going on a date, I mean after all I go on dates all the time. But this time was different. My chest got tight and my heart felt achy. I mean wtf is that about? Did my blood pressure spike!?
Now this guy is handsome, really really realllly handsome. Usually when I go on dates I make little to no real heartfelt effort. I’ll put basic makeup on and pick a casual outfit. Never dresses or heels… pretty much flats and a jumper. I avoid showing my figure too. Now for today I remained consistent in my little effort routine In regards to my clothing BUT…. I washed my hair, I double winged my eyeliner with a slither of gold and I used baking powder on my face. (That’s a big deal for me)
I wanted him to like me, I wanted to answer all his questions correctly. I wanted to pass the test…..
I’m sitting here wondering why is this date any different to the others?…. Truth is, I think it’s because I Am Ready for love.
I never usually pray before a date but today I prayed, not for him to like me, not for him to be the one, I prayed for myself. I prayed God would open my eyes and my heart to see who is right for me and to love unconditionally. What’s funny is a year ago, I prayed and asked God to hide me, I prayed that he would cover me with a veil from those who are not for me. I prayed that those who weren’t for me would not see me nor understand me. (Not the real me, not my character and not my soul)
“Funny thing is for the past few dates I’ve been told I am a Mystery, a mysterious woman and a challenge to get to know”
What’s also funny is I’m open and honest, I guess they just couldn’t see me…..
Today, there has been a beautiful shift in my heart, there’s been hope, hope that I in fact am lovable and worthy for the right man. Hope, that there is someone who can find pleasure and joy in my presence. Hope that I can and will make the right person happy.
We went to a little English pub, which was busy and not ideal. As we walked along the streets of London chatting and flirting, my eyes set upon upon this contemporary furniture store (we named it the posh Ikea!)– We went inside and there situated right at the back of the store was a cafe. We grabbed a hot drink and sat on the sofa effortlessly talking about everything. Making each moment memorable.
He had to rush back to work and on the walk back to the station he cuddled me, looked down at me smitten. He held my hand, remained affectionate throughout. Told me I’m stunning and every so often I caught a glimpse of him watching me and smiling. Is this what’s been missing with every other date? I have a rule on a first date. No touching (except a greeting hug and leaving kiss on the cheek) and NO KISSING.
If I kissed every guy I met on a date I’d be the definition of a kissing whore!
As we walk to the underground I can sense he’s waiting for the right moment to kiss me. I feel it coming but I’m unsure when… I’m also unsure whether I’m going to kiss back, whether he’ll pick a romantic moment……
We approached the barriers and did our goodbyes.. we gave each other a cuddle and as I went to step back he plastered a kiss on my lips so quick I couldn’t move. I was in shock. I knew it was coming, I just didn’t expect it to happen so… I had this stunned look on my face, almost frozen 😳
Then out of nowhere he’s on the escalator…
He kissed and RAN!!! 🤣😂
What a funny guy?!?
I’m not going to talk about whether he’s the one or not…. truth is…. I have no idea. I’m done with searching. I appreciate the encounters I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learnt.
Right now- All I know Is I had a great time and my heart is READY FOR LOVE 💖
I think I’m exhausted, truth be told, I think I fed up of routine.
This is the reality of what single motherhood looks like for me. Everyday without fail it happens in this order and my gosh I’m tired. Usually I complain and rant about it but it’s such a common situation it’s almost pointless discussing.
There are single mothers across the globe, what makes me any different? Surely I should just suck it up and get on with things right? Well no.. not this time, for the first time of 11 years of motherhood this pattern is making me ill..
For the past month I’ve been suffering from high blood pressure. I got a little unwell and from that point on my blood pressure never went back down. I’m now at the point of being constantly tired with a raging headache and an aching body. I’ve seen doctors and been sent for a number of tests and I haven’t told anyone but I’m really scared. Probably the most scared I’ve been in my life, for my life. Death is never something that I’ve been afraid of but right now I just want to live.
I want to go to my kids homes when they’re older and have a bunch of grandkids. The thought that this is serious enough that it could prevent that scares the hell out of me.
Imagine, all I’ve done since 16 is work and be a mum. Some of the decisions I made 10 years ago were based on plans I had for when I hit 50. So to have a doctor tell me that I might have a stroke or heart attack before I reach 48 has devastated me.
Maybe she should have checked that little alert on her screen that pops up to tell them I suffer with anxiety before she said that!
You know, I’m sick and tired of the helpful unhelpful advice such as …
Exercise more: Ok I’m on my feet all day, I try to work out at home but tend to fall asleep. I’m so exhausted from work!
Eat healthy: I’m a single mother with 3 kids who cooks 6 meals a week all including vegetables. I do the best I can on the budget I have.
Reduce stress: Please, my routine sits under the word stress in the dictionary.
I wish I had more to say or a positive outlook to end with but to be honest I just needed a rant.
I stumbled on the picture above on Facebook and thought I’d use it as it pretty much sums up single motherhood in a way in which resonates with me.
Until Next Time
So I have another Instagram page dedicated to breastfeeding, the purpose of this is to give advice and tips to pregnant and breastfeeding parents.
This Page is different to others out there because the goal is to give informative Advice and Tips as a Lactation Consultant. There are many pages out there posting endless pics of couples and babies but mine is strictly for breastfeeding and a way of communicating with me the IBCLC.
For all breastfeeding mammas please feel free to DM me your breastfeeding questions and concerns there and I’ll be more then happy to help 😘
Do forget to LIKE, SHARE and FOLLOW both blog and Instagram Page.
Remember: The more engagement this post gets the easier accessible it is for another breastfeeding mum to stumble upon as it will show up in her feed.
❤️ So tell a friend to tell a friend ❤️
They say the eyes are the window to your Soul…. So tell me….
What do you see when you look into my eyes?
📸- Shamaya (the lighting was an accident,then she saw it from a different perspective told you my kids talented!)
Look forward to the replies, comment below..